A Woman Scorned

SO, this is a new title that has been declared my way. I actually think it took hearing it in a half joking way from someone to make me realize that it's so. It's so true. Hate that. So, now what?

Why am I a "woman scorned". Well, that's my business. But what about scorned women? What does it do to us? Why do we let things AFFECT us so much when the EFFECT usually stinks?

I'm "affected". I've let a situation change me. In fact, I invited the situation to change me. I wasn't dealing with it well, so I purposefully told myself..."self, here's how you're gonna deal with this." The "effect"...DUMB. Just dumb. This isn't the person I wanna be.

Growing up, things in my life influenced who I was, how I acted, how I coped. That's true with all of us. But I spent MANY years regretting some of the dumb decisions I'd made. Some of the stupid things I'd done. Oh, I could sit here and say "I have no regrets. Everything has made me who I am today." UM, yea, LIARS, you people that say that! Or maybe not. There's truth in that statement. BUT, I had USED those regrets as a crutch too many times in my past. I hadn't thought I could be a GOOD person because of some things. Me, yep, I had regrets...but I had actually learned and triumphed into forgiving myself, forgiving others, and moving forward without those regrets any longer defining who I am and will be.

Fast forward to now. REALLY? Did I spend all of that time for nothing? Am I really going to allow myself to be so influenced by a situation, that I will venture down a path that will only make me unhappy in the long run? WHY?

I know the answer to that too! (Smart that way.) BECAUSE, facing the crap just hurts too damn much! I'd rather meet new friends, party like a rockstar, and protect ME from further pain. (Or at least be in charge of whatever pain may become me.) Escape. Yea, there's a reason. Escape. I justify it well. I mean, I am newly single. I do need to meet new people. I CAN party cuz' I'm old enough, I take care of my kids well, when I have ME time, I'm "deserving". I think for some, this is all probably pretty fine and dandy and real. There's nothing wrong with fun. Don't read that into any of what I'm saying. I'm just saying for ME, right now, I'm needing to face that I have escaped into this self protection mode of HELLOOOO, HIDING PAIN.

Crap that sucks to admit. Woman scorned. Crap that sucks too. Person I wanna be...haven't met her yet. She's in there though. And she's flippin AWESOME! Guess I have to back track a little, face the stupid (I'll refrain from using the profanity that I can barely keep in to describe how much I ABHOR the stupidity of the pain I have to face)PAIN. I have been telling myself I need to have my guard up. I never want to have to go through this again. EVER! I have told myself and others that I don't trust anyone anymore. I've said that if anyone's gonna play it's gonna be ME! I've not made time for my friends that have been by my side for years because they know of my stupidity, and it's embarrassing, and it hurts to have to lean on people so many times. I say it's because I'm newly single and need to find new single friends. Some truth there, but it's because I've let myself become totally selfish. That's what it boils down to I think. My "woman scorned" act has consequentially turned me into a very selfish person. Selfish of my time, selfish of my service, selfish of my regard for others feelings, selfish for protections sake.

It's time. It's time to backtrack and once again face the pain. I don't want to kid myself and think that just because I've made this realization that I am going to be a "NEW" woman and be over it, voila'. I'm gonna have to go through it. Equate it to a grieving process maybe? See, this is the crap reason why WE "scorned" women don't do it! It's much easier to just say "No, I don't want a real relationship; No, I don't trust people; No, I don't CARE." But the fact is, I'm a really trusting person. Too much so. I'm a really caring person. Too much so. And ultimately, when the time is right, I want a fantastic life relationship with someone. So, there ya have it. Honesty at it's rawest. Any other scorned women out there (there are, but they probably aren't reading this) willing to admit that we need to face the hurt and face the fact that we WERE hurt, admit the pain? Or will ya just keep hiding? Me, I'm outta the closet.

The coolest chick I know said this to me: "There's a fine line between distraction and destruction in these situations. That is my concern for you." Well said sistah! This girl isn't about to self destruct. I'm gonna hurt though. But on the other side of it is AWESOME me!!!