Jesus Freak

Jesus Freak? Who? Oh, wait...it's ME!!!

This won't be a short blog, and I'm not sure it's intended for anyone but me. I'll probably talk about YOU in it though and YOU might get to know ME better. SO, if at all interested...keep reading. My thoughts are not collected well and when I write, I ramble. (OH, when I talk I ramble too. It's all about consistency.) But I feel a NEED to ramble. So, here goes.

Monday my son got into trouble at school. I was called in to talk to the teacher. My kids go to a private Christian school. Well, the situation itself is an entirely different blog about the injustices towards our little boys in grade school (hehe, mommy talk there). Basically he was "talking to his boy" telling him to pick up his pencils. A little girl interjected and spouted off that he was mean and he called her a liar. The teacher was very upset that he "called her a name" when the little girl had "only told him he was mean, meaning he was acting bossy. And yet your son called her a NAME." Long story short, my lil dude made me snicker when he later replied to me during our conversation on this "Yea, I said she was a liar, MEANING she wasn't telling the truth!" hehehe

Anyhow...on Monday's the school has chapel time and this day they had a guest speaker named Ken Freeman (www.kenfreemanministries.com). The topic was on words and how your words can affect others. So, little dude HEARD what he needed to. The kids were so excited about this speaker. Partly because he was going to be speaking M-W nights as well and they wanted to go! (Partly because they'd see their friends.) Monday night I didn't feel well and Tuesday was football. But I knew I wanted to go as well. I've been needing a good spiritual kick in the butt lately. So Wednesday night it was.

I did not realize that Wednesday night was primarily set apart as YOUTH night and that I would be sitting in the middle of about 150 STINKY-SMELLY-NEEDING-SOME-DEODORANT 13-16 year olds. (God bless the Youth pastors that inhale this regularly.) I also didn't realize that Ken would be sharing his life story this night and that it would be somewhat explicit and possibly lead to more questions than I was ready for from my 7 year old. I ALSO did not realize that when I walked into the lobby, readying myself to hear God, embracing the anonymity of not being at my own church home (www.mscwired.org) , because for some reason I just needed to be somewhere different and not feel like I was there to fellowship, but rather to worship...I did not know that there would be a table and a huge sign with the face of my friend and my church's worship leader, Mark Roach. (www.myspace.com/markroach or www.markroachmusic.blogspot.com) I texted Mark and our friend Kelley asking if he was indeed at this place this evening (thinking maybe they were just selling CD's or something???) And of course, with a CD signing table, DER, he was there to lead worship. In my pursuit of anonymity, I can't tell you the sense of HOME that I felt when Mark and Carolyn (his awesomest, singingest, beautifulestest, wife) and a couple of the other guys from our church took the stage to lead worship. My kids aren't normally in "adult worship service" and it was indredible to spend this time with them and they felt the sense of home as well...this was not only their school, but their church now and we were all worshipping Jesus together.

After worship, I took little dude downstairs to "play" to avoid what might be coming up. My daughter just turned eleven and somehow sitting with the Youth felt right (and made me feel old.) I felt like a little bridge for her...she's so close to that age where the desire for independence just oozes stupidly out of their pores. Sitting between her and this group somehow gave me this picture of "hand-off" and I felt this feeling of readiness. Primarily because I saw a readiness in her. She's such a sassy little thing (gets it from her father no doubt), and yet, when it comes to her faith in Christ...she just HAS it!

Ken is an indredibly easy to listen to speaker. He's beyond real. His life story is one of the saddest I've heard. He moved more times than I remember, changing schools countless times. His father left when he was 4 and his mother had countless marriages (9 I think?) and more boyfriends. He had his baby sister and several half siblings. His mother beat them. She beat them badly. She, on more than one occasion, woke them in the night with knifes to their throats telling them no one wanted them and she didn't either. She would leave them in parking lots sitting on a curb for 30 minutes or 12 hours...depending upon where she was going to get drunk or high. They had no self worth and only lived off of the inherent trait of survival. Ken woke one night when his mother had left them alone with a boyfriend for 3 days, to the boyfriend raping his little sister. To "save" her, Ken allowed himself to be sacrificed into this molestation. When his mom returned from this happening repeatedly for the 3 days, she was drunk. When she finally heard their story, she had him arrested and little 7 year old Ken was taken to the police station to look this man in the eye and identify him. Ken went into tons of detail about his upbringing, but he was clear to say he was leaving out much of the horrors. Fast forward to Ken meeting "football player Jeff". You can read Ken's books or possibly you'll get an opportunity to hear him speak...you will not be sorry. He's crazy cool. In order to get to the feelings I want to share, I'm merely going to say that Jeff ended up being the person that witnessed to Ken and the person that led Ken to Christ. The story is actually insanely amusing, especially hearing Ken tell it, and I wish you would check out the whole thing. But basically, Ken is now a Pastor. I've left out bookloads of his story, and wish I could express how far removed Ken was from anything holy. From anything good on this planet. From anyone in fact. And now, he speaks to masses and shares his story through books in order to hopefully reach others, devastated by the world or just searching for some answers or meaning. He wants to reach EVERYONE actually. Because that is what it is to be Christian. It saddens us to our core (or should) to think about those we love, or anyone at all, not spending eternity in Heaven. To continue living this life on our own accord and having a void that can only be filled by Christ's love for us. He's doing something that he LAUGHED OUT LOUD drunkenly about for years. He didn't just not believe in God. He HATED God and everything He stood for. Ken has been transformed.

I needed this story last night. I needed to be reminded of Christ's love for me. My church reminds me, my friends remind me, CREATION itself reminds me. But there's something that ticks in me that is struck and spoken to by an "in your face, no nonsense, crazy cool, whackadoodle Jesus Freak!" Ken is that...in the best way.

Why did I need this? Many, many reasons. I NEEDED the bonding time with my kids. I needed to genuinely worship Jesus together and not just sing the songs. I've raised them to be proud of what they believe and to stand up for what they believe. They are exposed to worldliness (oooo, there's some Christianeze for you), so don't give me the "they're standing up for what YOU believe" jargon. But yes, they are exposed to Jesus in many areas of their life and not just on Sunday morning. But there's something that you can't take away from someone. Something that as much as you want to debate or prove to them that it isn't right or real or true...they will just have to, and be able to, say...it's true to me. EXPERIENCES. Some more Christianeze for you....Spiritual Markers. Faith is believing in that which you cannot see. So to get into some debate with someone about whether Christ is real or not...we could pull out all the Lee Strobel "Case for Christ" series and go through all of the prophecy passages in the Bible together...or we can keep it simple. We can KNOW by our EXPERIENCES. Our sprititual markers.

I can tell you that there probably aren't too many, if any, Christians that don't have a story. They have times in their lives where they knew God's presence was there. Some of these stories are kinda creepy-ish.."do do do do"...and some are just heartfelt-soul felt. My daughter's experienced both. My son has experienced the "soul felt". I have indeed experienced both. I think these things (especially those weird "do do do do" moments) happen for us to HOLD ON TO. Like a little prize from God to help us through the tough times. A little trinket to take away the doubt that naturally occurs in our human hearts. A nugget of heaven to able us to live on Earth. Our pride keeps us from sharing these stories sometimes.

I mean, what would some of you think about me if I told you how I "tested Jesus" early in my faith and shouted through tears "YEA, well you can't make this curtain blow right now just because I'm asking you to!!!" (And the curtain not only blew, but a cool breeze came in from a warm night and brushed my cheek and sent goosie bumpies down to my tootsies.) You'd think I was off my rocker for sure!!! (I say for sure because many of you are close to convinced of that about me already. Te he.) What would you think of the plumber that came just yesterday to rescue me from my basement flood; covered in tattoos and asking for a beer at the end of his job. What would you think of his story of infidelity and partying and leaving and getting back together with his wife after realizing that the new girl wasn't the one and he'd made a mistake. After hearing the song The Reason by Hoobastank and feeling led to send it to her, opening up new lines of communication. And "only going with her to church because that was a condition of the restoration of their relationship." He KNEW he didn't believe in God. What would you think of him telling you that he knew that he knew that he knew that Jesus was not only real and was God, but that he LOVED him after being convinced by feeling His presence. His presence came via him getting mad one day and yelling out to God "Well, if you'd just give me a sign!" and the song "Calling all Angels" by Train (you know the lyrics..."I need a sign, to let me know you're here...) came on the radio just as the words left his mouth...leaving him in a blubbery mess on the floor. And again, when asking for what is right...the song The Reason came on again at that precise moment. Coincidence you say? Try telling that to him! Again, you cannot take soul experiences away from people!!! You just can't. How can you argue what they felt and know in their heart??? And me, well, I laugh at the word "coincidence" anyhow. I don't much believe in it.

And Mark Roach...do you really think he's always written Worship music? I mean, it's certainly possible. But nah, he wrote songs about love and girls. I think he had a band called Taboo at one time! haha ( I hope I don't get in trouble for that.) I only mention it to preface the question: Do you really think that he does it for the fortune and fame? Bwahahaha...I'm certain he could be making a ton more money hitting the road singing about sex, drugs and rock 'n roll. And although his success in the music industry has brought him a degree of fame, I can tell you that that is NOT his thing. (And even less-so his wifey's thing.) His THING is reaching others and telling them of Christ's love. His thing is worshipping our Creator. WHY is this his thing??? BECAUSE it's REAL. Because he's had experiences (and since then, yes fed and nourished through learning and living) that have proven Jesus' existence, death and resurrection, to his heart! To his innermost being. So he's clung to it and his response has been to reach others through the gifts that Jesus has given him. He's a Jesus Freak too :) And I mean that in the nicest possible way. So, Mark, if you're reading. Yo...

What does all of this have to do with anything? I guess I just needed to ramble. I needed to reflect. I also need you to know who I am. Know who I want to continue to be. Some of you are rolling on the floor right now undoubtedly. Some of you might even have tears and are thinking "yea, sista, where you been?" I've been in a funkadelic place. That's where. (And I don't mean funkadelic, like the smell my basement is emitting at the moment.) I mean funk. Like...life funk. Most everyone knows I've gone through changes. Divorced recently and that brings changes across all lines of life. Including friends. Make new friends...but keep the old....(Geez, I"m humming a lot while typing this blog.) For me, it's brought highs and lows and the lows have been looooooow. The highs have been hiiiiiiiigh. But I guess it's where I'm turning in those high's and lows that I feel a need to get into check.

I've met some WAY cool people lately. Via MYSPACE. I know...silly eh? There's only a few of them that are creepy (hahaha)...most of them are just real, dysfunctional, cool, fun, swell people like me :) Then there's the friends of old. I have been fortunate in my adult life to have many many many many many friends. (Most don't have a clue what blogspot is though.) I have friends from many different circles and at times, it's difficult to keep up with my friends. That sounds kinda...wrong, doesn't it? But what a problem to have. I'm thankful for too many friends. I'm thankful my friends are there, even when I'm not. I pray (yep, oh yep I do) that they know I do not take them for granted. I hope it never feels that way. I haven't been a great friend for awhile. But they're great. And new friends. Oh, wow. Some of them are crazy great. I WANT these friendships. But I've treaded deeply enough in the past several months to know that I need to make sure and remember who I am. In order for me to do that...I feel a need to make sure I tell you who I am.

That said...I don't know if I will be able to change my party ways again over night. I don't want to change all of them. I'm having FUN and don't want that to stop. I want to continue to meet fabulous people. I want to continue doing the things I love and always have...dancing, floating, boating, sporting events, eating and more eating. I want the friendships I'm making to grow. I want to learn more about people. I want to learn more about me and the things that are out there that I might learn to love! But Jules is needing some serious balance checking in her life. I can have tons o fun and get a job. I can have tons o fun and serve at my church. I can have tons o fun and still stay in touch with friends. I can have tons o fun and take care of my children WELL. I can have tons o fun and still make time to grow in my faith and nurture the most important relationship in my life...That with Christ.

Jules isn't going anywhere. And I'm WAY sorry if you broke something when you fell down laughing. I know I haven't shown anything resembling Christ-like behavior to some of you. I'm human and make no excuses. But you see, being a Christian doesn't mean that I'm perfect. Being a Christian means that I realize the need for a Savior and that I acknowledge I have Him. He does also tell us to be firm. To confess with our mouths. Going back to the stories. The Spiritual Markers. Man, I don't want to be too prideful to share those. Man, I don't want to lose touch with them. Those moments that NO ONE could tell me that it wasn't so. No matter how much debating, no matter how much "religious talk", no matter how much condemnation came my way. No one can take away what is unexplainably true in my heart. I wonder how many others have those experiences and have lost touch of them. Have not shared them (pride?). Have chalked it up to coincidence or some other spiritual momentum. Hear me...I am not here to judge anyone. GOD knows I don't want anyone judging me. I have friends that are from all denominations. I have friends that claim to be spiritual, yet don't know Jesus from a hole in the wall. I have friends that, and yes, it saddens me if I think about it; reject the thought of Christianity altogether.

But I met Ken Freeman. And I WAS Ken Freeman to an extent. Don't mis-read. I did and do have a family that loved me. But as we all do, I have some messed up life experiences under my belt. Although I never "didn't" believe in God, I didn't know Him. I had no knowledge of His love for me. His sacrifice for me. His ability to fill the void that haunted my life. I had no knowledge of transformation. So, I don't judge anyone. I pray for them. Not as often as I should though. I pray for myself. Not as often as I should though.

My experience is different than yours. We're all unique. Maybe you'll step out and respond with a "dodododooo" story of your own. Maybe you'll respond with "yes, you are indeed a whackadoo". And that's really ok. I'll continue to be me. But I wanted you to know (and to remind myself) of who I be...

I be a Jesus Freak.

Houston, We Have Contact...And I am thankful.

The Title, just a tease of the ramblings going on in my mind.

Wow, it is a perfect beautiful day. I put a status update on my Myspace profile that says "I want to drop the top, drive the five, chat with the sea lions, go to the Rodeo, and eat pizza on that corner in La Jolla. But, I'm mowing."

Truth of the matter is, I enjoyed mowing. I really need none of the other stuff to feel content at the moment. (Although I really like the sound of it all.) I woke up this morning in a fog. A very sleepy fog. Partly due to the "contact" I referred to, which had me staring at the ceiling until about 2:45 am for the 2nd night in a row. So, I was tired. But also partly due to the fact that I haven't been embracing contentedness. Or thankfulness. I'm thankful for the yard I have to mow.

Shortly after I awoke, I received a text from a person I know telling me that a friend of ours' mother had passed away yesterday. The person sending the text has had her share of loss this past year as well, losing both her father and step dad whom she was very close with. I ended our series of texts saying that I was going to be thankful today.

Houston, we have contact. Yes. Contact. Finally. Although, I don't even need to ask myself the question (unless I want the world to know how ridiculously stupid I am capable of being) of whether a drunk text is worth considering contact. Not even like a "drunk text" with innuendos. Rather a sole text reading "I'm drunk." Nice. But this didn't anger me. Rather I was thankful. I was thankful for the contact in some strange way. Saddened by the literal text. The person on the other end isn't enjoying contentedness either. I think they believe they are and I could surely be wrong. But this person is not a big drinker. Hasn't been who they are. I'm open to change. We don't have to "stay who we've been". But any time it's becoming someone we aren't, it can't be right. Right? It made me sad. I miss this person very much. But I was thankful. For contact.

Then I got to thinking. Along with this thankful, contentedness, and even sad feeling. I'll bet others think the same of me. I hope I'm not making someone sad by not being available. By not being myself. A good friend told me that I'm going to find out what I'm made of. I want to be made of thankfulness. I want that to be a huge part of who I am.

I received another text while pondering all of this on my morning drive. From a friend that was just texting to say she loves me. And she does. And somehow, she always picks the right moments to let me know that I am loved. Thankful for my friends. I received another text (well, I"m actually collecting a few of these into one thought) from a friend recently diagnosed with cancer. For the 2nd time. He always asks how "I'm" doing. Really? That's inspiring no? He lives his life thankful. He is not well. But he is thankful for friends and life and I'm pretty sure God.

My daughter's teacher called. She didn't finish her math homework again. AND she lied to me about it. (I asked her 4 times if she was sure it was done and I didn't check because we've talked about trust. And possibly because I was in a funk and just didn't.) The teacher is going to team with me to get her on the up and up. She is willing to check her backpack EVERY day before leaving and every day when returning. Our hope is that daughter will not enjoy this and will take the responsibility. I am thankful for her teacher.

I am rambling now as well and have no time to proof, edit and make more sense of my thoughts because I'm going to pick up those little ones I'm most thankful for. I could leave it here and edit, etc later. But nah. I'm posting. I plan to enjoy more of this beautiful weather, hug my kids, and make weekend plans with new friends I'm going to be thankful for :)

Thankfully, finished.